Dad Turns 70

My dad turned 70 on Friday. Tonight (Sunday) we had a nice sit down dinner for 16 - my sister and I hired a personal chef to come in and cook. He brought servers with him so our work was minimal (I mean really minimal) and the food was great.

I love my dad but our relationship is sometimes complicated. He grew up in a shitty shitty home and even at 70 has no self confidence. He often doesn't know how to react to things - so he says the wrong thing and usually it hurts your feelings. I've gotten much better at realizing what he is doing and why he is doing it. I try really really hard to not take it personally but sometimes it's hard not to.

Tonight in the course of harassing me (which means he's happy) he mentioned my college degree several times. Kind of in the vein of "well now that you have a degree you must be able to do that". I can't figure out if he is saying these things because he doesn't know how to say that he's proud of me or if he's feeling insecure about his own education (high school, not unusual for blue collar families then). I wish for our relationship's sake that he could just come right out and say what he means. I'm 40 and he's never said he loves me. I know he does but sometimes the words are nice to hear.

About eight months ago I had a dream that included my dad's death and funeral. It was so real that I woke up sobbing with tears streaming down my face. I know that as your parents get older you have to face the reality that we are not immortal. I just don't want to thing about it...not at all.

Happy Birthday

Thanks to everyone who already wrote to wish me a happy birthday! Today's the day. I'm at work but only until noon - then it's off to lunch and party party party!!

whooo hoooooo 40 years old - This is the longest I have ever done anything!

It's also the last day of NaBloPoMo THANK CHRIST

Here We Go....

The final 24 hours of my thirties. I know I probably have something profound to say here - instead I've got some random thoughts:

I know it's bad for me, but I love having a coke first thing in the morning. I don't drink coffee - so I use that as an excuse

If you say you don't have at least one Hall and Oates song on your ipod or mp3 player you are probably lying (I have many)

I would get digital cable if they would put Buffy or Angel (or both) back on the air

Even though I act like it doesn't bother me - when someone says "Christ, anyone can do that" about abstract art work I want to tear there heads off. Literally and figuratively

I am really really nervous about getting into graduate school

Men who I would give everything up for: Trent Reznor, Josh Homme, Dave Grohl and possibly Bruce Springsteen back in the Born To Run days.


Music people that I miss: Layne Staley, Michael Hutchence, Shannon Hoon, Mark Heard (look him up), Kurt Cobain, Robbie Robertson

Bands that I miss: Whiskeytown, Lone Justice, Nirvana, The Breeders, Elastica, The Band and the ORGINAL Crowded House.

It took until we were both in our 30's for my sister and I to honestly say that we liked each other. Sometimes it's still hard - for both of us

The song The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald always makes me tear up

I have the worst romantic record and I'm working really hard to change that

For the first time every I feel like I have a clear path - now I just have to concentrate on the path and not on the fact that I "wasted" so much time getting here.

I have a very serious and a very real fear of commitment. About 24 hours after I bought this condo I was physically ill for 2 days thinking about not having the option to move as freely as I always have

I have a great life, great friends and a fabulous family. Work is just work and I'm not factoring it in until I'm done with school and working in the job I want

I'm nervous that now that I've been alone for as long as I have that I'm not going to be able to share things with a partner.

I am excellent at being able to get people to tell me everything about themselves and then escaping the conversation before I have to tell them too much about myself.

Speaking of that - I think this is enough of this bullshit.

Thursday Morning & Giving Thanks

I woke up this morning with a sinus headache and what feels like the beginning of a cold- NO NO NO I cannot be sick this weekend. I have far too much to do. My first draft of my thesis is due in full on December 6th and it's not like I have unlimited time between now and then.

Tyler - if you are reading this is why I didn't call last night.

So my mom is recovering quickly but she still has to stay at home. She is not a stay at home person and being stuck in the house is killing her. A result of this is that she has become overly interested in my education. All of sudden she wants to know why I'm not getting a MBA. Are you kidding me? Could a Masters in Social Work and a Masters in Business Administration be any different? I have absolutely zero interest in anything business related right now. I"m going to talk to her today and ask her to find another pet project. I know she loves me and everything and she is just looking out for my best interests - but I don't need another thing to think about.

So on with the Thanksgiving List-

1. I really am grateful for all of my relatives: sister, mom, dad, nieces, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, outlaws you name it they are all great people. I mean it's not as if we don't have our issues - but our issues are what make us pretty god damn funny. We are Irish, loud and love to party. What more could you ask for.

2. My friend Elise and her boys. I am so lucky to have met this family. They have given me something in my life that I didn't even know was missing. I know that Elise thinks that she's lucky to have people that come over and help, but really we're lucky that she shares her life and her kids with us.

3. My friends. I have absolutely fabulous friends. All ages, sizes, colors etc. The one thing they all have in common is that they are all intelligent people - that and of course that they like me.

4. My job - I'm not happy with it right now but because of this job I have a new used car and a great condo.

5. My brain - I'm grateful that is still works after all the shit that I've done to it over the years.

That's the short list of things - I'm sure I'll come up with more later. I have to go get ready we are having Thanksgiving Brunch. I know I know what the fuck is that? I don't ask questions I just show up at the place and time with whatever the tell me to bring. This year the only thing I'm bringing is my laundry.

Have a good day everyone!

Oh yeah 8 more days
See how I slipped in that NASCAR reference when you weren't looking??

Presents

Got my first 40th birthday present in the mail today from my good friend Maria. She got me a beautiful Native American vase and Native American ornament. I love them both (the thank you note is in the mail!). We've been to New Mexico together and she knows I love Native American things.


I'm starting to get excited for my birthday but am having one small issue.

People keep saying "so what are we doing for birthday"?? How do I get it through their heads I don't want to plan it!

It's my birthday - I want someone else to do the planning for once. I want to be surprised and most of all I want to be taken care of.

I was chatting with a blog friend last night and gave him the advice that he needed to find someone to take care of him instead of always taking care of other people. That's what I feel like now. My job - my 2nd job and my tiny little personal life all seem to circle around taking care of people. I'm only asking for one night or maybe the weekend - I don't think it's too much to ask.

Do you? Am I being silly? Please tell me if you think I am.