My dad turned 70 on Friday. Tonight (Sunday) we had a nice sit down dinner for 16 - my sister and I hired a personal chef to come in and cook. He brought servers with him so our work was minimal (I mean really minimal) and the food was great.I love my dad but our relationship is sometimes complicated. He grew up in a shitty shitty home and even at 70 has no self confidence. He often doesn't know how to react to things - so he says the wrong thing and usually it hurts your feelings. I've gotten much better at realizing what he is doing and why he is doing it. I try really really hard to not take it personally but sometimes it's hard not to.
Tonight in the course of harassing me (which means he's happy) he mentioned my college degree several times. Kind of in the vein of "well now that you have a degree you must be able to do that". I can't figure out if he is saying these things because he doesn't know how to say that he's proud of me or if he's feeling insecure about his own education (high school, not unusual for blue collar families then). I wish for our relationship's sake that he could just come right out and say what he means. I'm 40 and he's never said he loves me. I know he does but sometimes the words are nice to hear.
About eight months ago I had a dream that included my dad's death and funeral. It was so real that I woke up sobbing with tears streaming down my face. I know that as your parents get older you have to face the reality that we are not immortal. I just don't want to thing about it...not at all.
